Star Wars Talk Show
by The Captain
Summary: If you would do not like to see Star Wars characters made fun of, do not read this


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  
  
1 Star Wars  
  
With your host,  
  
DARTHY!  
  
Darthy: So, Luke, how did you feel when you found out I was your father?  
  
Luke: Well, Dad, at first I just felt like screaming my poor little head off. I knew I looked really ugly, but I didn't care because I was getting paid to do it. All I could think of was denying it... "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" It was absolutely horrid. But now I realize what a loving daddy you can be. Darthy: That's all very touching. Now, can you tell us how you managed to become a full Jedi Knight between episode four and episode five?  
  
Luke: Well, Dad, that's a long story. I went to the temple to train for a couple of months. The Jedi Masters there were all very patient with me, and I had an awful lot of luck. If I jumped off the edge of the planet, I'd land on a passing ship, I swear, that's how lucky I am. But I just couldn't get the hang of this Force stuff. Eventually they took pity on me and gave me my lightsaber and made me a Jedi.  
  
Darthy: Oh. I'm very...um...PROUD of you, son.  
  
Luke: Gosh, you really are? Gee, I'm just so touched!  
  
Darthy: You're a lot like I was at your age. Um. Well...we both had metal hands, at least. That's something. Well, there you have it, folks, the legacy of Luke Skywalker. Donations of five to ten dollars would be appreciated to help out this non-profit, viewer supported television show. With your donation of five hundred dollars you will receive Luke's head on a stick. Supplies are limited.  
  
Luke: Goodbye! May the Force be with you! Come visit for Christmas!  
  
Darthy: This has been a production of the Star Wars talk show with your host Darth Vader, aka Darthy.  
  
Luke: And you can call me Luke Skywalker, aka Walky!  
  
Darthy: And remember, it is not one organism, but two!  
  
May the Force be with you all!  
  
A Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
STAR  
  
1.1 WARS  
  
with your host  
  
DARTHY  
  
Darthy: Hello everyone, and welcome to our second episode of the Star Wars talk show with your host, Darthy. Here today we have Yoda, they greatest Jedi Master of all time.  
  
Yoda: (nod)  
  
Darthy: When you first saw the boy called Luke Skywalker, what did you think?  
  
Yoda: Another failure, this boy will be, thought I. And a failure he was. Shamed by him, am I.  
  
Darthy: Why do you feel this way?  
  
Yoda: Hard to say, is that. The smallness of his brain, evident to me, it was. The uselessness of this boy, I knew from the start. The heart of a Jedi, he had not.  
  
Darthy: Why, you little...That's my son you're insulting, you little green shrimp!  
  
Yoda: Peace, Vader. Your son it maybe, but the son you attempted to kill. Love him, you do not, I think.  
  
Darthy: You are going to get it! He is a powerful Jedi, more powerful than any other Jedi alive!  
  
Yoda: That he is not. Stupid, ignorant, fearful, is he. A great Jedi, he will never make.  
  
Darthy: You haven't half the power he does, Mr. Wrinkled Prune!  
  
Yoda: Calm yourself, Vader. Quiet yourself. To the Force you will listen. What does it have to say?  
  
Darthy: It says...it says...Luke Skywalker is an Idiot.  
  
Yoda: Always correct, the Force is.  
  
Darthy: I don't believe it! Screw the Force!  
  
Yoda: Forget it for now, you shall. Continue with your interview. Getting paid to do this, you are, I am, remember.  
  
Darthy: Ah, yes. Sorry, folks, we just got a little off track there. So, Master, what did you think of me when Qui-Gon first brought me before you?  
  
Yoda: Ahh...so long ago, that was. Talent, you did not lack. The Force was strong in you, indeed. Yet dangerous, you were. Too much anger, too much fear, too much hate. Missed your mommy, did you, poor little thing.  
  
Darthy: Ah. I see. That's wonderful. Really.  
  
Yoda: Pity you, I did.  
  
Darthy: Please, I've got a reputation.  
  
Yoda: Ah, yes. Pester you, I will not, poor little Anakin.  
  
Darthy: I AM NOT ANAKIN, AND I AM NOT POOR!!  
  
Yoda: CALM, Darthy, calm.  
  
Darthy: Ah, yes. Anyway. What was your childhood like?  
  
Yoda: My childhood. Scarcely remember it, do I. A fun time, it was not. Made fun of my looks, the other children did. But better than them in my studies, was I. Fight well, I did not. Made a Padawan, I almost wasn't. But at heart, better than all others, I was. So much better.  
  
Darthy: Well, you don't have to brag. I could have beat you any day, I bet.  
  
Yoda. Like to see you try, I would.  
  
Darthy: Okay, Okay, Master. On that note, what was YOUR Master like?  
  
Yoda: A strict Master, was Flon-Zin. No fun at all, was he. A good teacher, he was not. He reminded me much of you.  
  
Darthy: You're really starting to get on my nerves, you know. If you keep this up, I'm gonna be on you in a second, money or no money.  
  
Yoda: Please, Darthy. Calm, you should be.  
  
Darthy: Calm, I am... You little green monster, you are in big trouble. You insult me, you insult my son...You would insult my father, too, if I had one. Or did you forget? I'm superhuman! I could kill you with a look, Mr. Pruny Man.  
  
Yoda: Leaving now, I think I will be. Good bye.  
  
Darthy: Well, that's that, folks. Remember, we are a viewer supported, non profit television show, and we need your financial help! With your donation of five to ten dollars you will receive a free miniature, battery operated, light saber. With your donation of five hundred dollars to help us, you will receive Yoda's head on a stick. Or Luke's. Your choice! Supplies ARE limited.  
  
And remember, all little green freaks are to be immediately eliminated. I repeat, immediately eliminated.  
  
May the Force be with you.  
  
1.1.1 A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.  
  
  
  
STAR  
  
WARS  
  
With your host:  
  
DARTHY  
  
  
  
Darthy: Welcome to the third episode of STAR WARS talk show. Today I have the great Sith Master DARTH SIDIOUS! Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen.  
  
Sidious: Good. I like hands. They taste good, you know. Except yours. It's made of metal. Blech.  
  
Darthy: I didn't mean it like that, Master. Let's get on with the interview, why don't we?  
  
Sidious: Of course, Vader.  
  
Darthy: So, tell us about your first apprentice, Darth Maul.  
  
Sidious: He was a wonderful apprentice, really, as evil as you could ever wish, a maddened animal. It was an awful shame to lose him. Although it was rather amusing, you know, the way he split in two as he fell to eternity.it made me terribly hungry, at the time. But it was a shame to lose a promising apprentice, even if he did have that appalling tattoo. It only makes him easier to spot, and I've always preferred purple anyway. I knew when he died that I would never find such an evil student again. It was just his rotten luck that got him killed. That Jedi, Obi-Wan, he's got some luck. It was only luck, that's all it was. He was really a poor fighter, that Jedi. It was his incredible Jedi luck.  
  
Darthy: I see. When I came to you, what did you think of me?  
  
Sidious: Well, well, well, well.From the moment you came to our attention through the Jedi Council we had our eye on you. You might be trained as a Jedi but your destiny lay with us Sith. Even so, for your first couple years at the temple I was almost afraid we'd lose you, you'd become so frightfully kind. That Jedi Obi-Wan almost ruined you for our purposes. How could we use someone like Anakin Skywalker? But later your anger and fear took over, and we knew you were just what we needed.  
  
Darthy: You say that I was just what you needed. Do you mean that you used me for your evil purposes?  
  
Sidious: That's exactly it. You really had no value to us except as a tool to achieve our ends.  
  
Darthy: And all this time I thought you liked me, you cruel mushroom!  
  
Sidious: I refrain from forming an attachment to anyone, especially one like you who was likely to turn back to the light at any moment. A barely adequate tool you were as well.  
  
Darthy: Why you! You use me against my will and then call me inadequate! Why I'll just squash you to a juicy pulp and feed you to my goldfish!  
  
Sidious: I would kill you first. You have truly become soft, Mr. Breathy Mask.  
  
Darthy: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MASK! I think it's quite a fashion statement, you know. It'll be the next great thing sweeping galaxy schoolhouses.Look Like Darth Vader In This Great New Mask!  
  
Sidious: And you're quite the ugly brute underneath it, aren't you, my apprentice?  
  
Darthy: I am PROUD of my bald eggheadedness! And purplish green skin is becoming quite popular too, I'm told.If you say one more insulting thing, Master, you can count on not walking out of here alive! You'll be walking out dead instead, trust me!  
  
Sidious: Go crack an egg on your egg head. I have to leave now, strike fear into some innocent hearts, that sort of thing. Have a nice day. By the way, I hear your popularity ratings are plummeting.  
  
Darthy: Goodbye, and good riddance!  
  
Can anybody tell me why everybody hates me so much? Except Luke, but he's an idiot, I really have to admit.  
  
Anyway, folks, thank you for watching. Remember, this is a non- profit, viewer supported television show and your money would be greatly appreciated. With your donation of five to ten dollars you will receive a Darth Vader T-shirt. If you choose to donate five hundred dollars you will receive Darth Sidious's head on a stick. Then again, Darth Sidious's ugly head in plain view would probably be considered a national emergency. So maybe just a toe or something, but that would be pretty dangerous too. Luke's head and Yoda's head are still available, however. Supplies ARE limited. And may the force be with you.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
1.1.1.1 STAR WARS  
  
With your host, Darthy.  
  
Darthy: Thank you. Thank you very much. You are clapping, aren't you, or is that the sound of tomatoes splattering all around me-WHY on earth are you throwing tomatoes at me!?  
  
Well, anyway. Today I have managed to bribe the magnificent Han Solo to be on our show. Uh... did I say bribe? I meant to say ask. Or something like that. Any way, here he is.  
  
Solo: Hey.  
  
Darthy: So I here that you're the best pilot of the fastest ship in the galaxy. Is that true?  
  
Solo: It sure is. Me and my Falcon, we go just about every in the universe. There ain't no pilot better than us, and you better believe it.  
  
Darthy: I'll believe anything you tell me to! You look like a pretty strong guy...I wouldn't mess around with the likes of you.  
  
Han Solo: Yeah, kid. You better believe it, that's for sure. I wouldn't think twice about knocking you out, fan head.  
  
Darthy: Why does everyone insult my mask????  
  
Han Solo: Possibly because it's ugly.  
  
Darth Vader: Oh, you think so do you? Well, your mask is pretty ugly too!  
  
Han Solo: Hey, what's your problem? I'm not wearing a mask. Duh. Besides, isn't "pretty ugly" a weird thing to say? Oh, and by the way, in all my days of flying through the stars, battling bad guys and kissing girls, I've never seen such an ugly face as yours, dude.  
  
Darthy: Oh, really? Well, same to you, you rotten excuse for a fighter pilot-  
  
Solo: Your fly's unzipped, you know.  
  
Darthy: Huh? I'm wearing a robe, idiot.  
  
Solo: Really? I thought that was a dress, you girly little supreme evil being.  
  
Darthy: Why you impudent little excuse for a warty toad! I'll just strangle you on the spot, I will!  
  
Solo: Hey. I'm only in this gig for the money. Pay me and I'm out of here. I've got no use for you and your pathetic insults. Hand over the money.  
  
Darthy: And what if I don't?  
  
Solo: Hey. Watch, it big guy. You promised. Hand it over and no one gets hurt. Hopefully. I might just change my mind and pound you anyway.  
  
Darthy: You can't just leave! That would ruin the whole show! I'm not paying you a dime! Or even a nickel! Or a penny! Or a half penny! Or a quarter penny!  
  
Solo: Hey, relax, mister no need to get so elaborate.  
  
Darth Vader: I don't pay slimy scum like you anything! You're lower than sub dirt particles!  
  
Solo: Hey, sorry to hurt your feelings, Vader. I didn't realize you were such a child at heart.  
  
Darthy: Go! Go now! Leave! Now! Leave!  
  
Solo: Give over the money. You said there would be big money in this for me. Fork it over.  
  
Darthy: Hum dum diddy dum, I'm ignoring you, hum dum diddy dum...  
  
Solo: Have it your way. You know, I found your credit card on the desk outside. I could easily take it to the bank and take out all your money... I'm sure you'd much prefer that, huh?  
  
Darthy: Okay! Okay! I'll trade you my credit card for your check.  
  
Solo: Okay. I have a fair mind. I'm not a warped idiot like you. So here's the card and there's my money. Good bye.  
  
Darthy: He's gone. Good. I'm sure you know by now that we are a non- profit, viewer supported...Hey! What are you doing back!  
  
Solo: Just wanted to tell you that I have a very good memory for credit card numbers.  
  
Darthy: You! You! I'm going to get you! Han Solo's head on a stick free for anyone who wants it! Han Solo's head on a stick! Any takers? Han Solo's head on a stick!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
STAR  
  
WARS  
  
With your host:  
  
DARTHY  
  
Darthy: How do you do, how do you all do? I hope you are doing very well and are ready to watch our FIFTH, yes, ladies and gentlemen, our FIFTH episode of the STAR WARS TALK SHOW!  
  
Today I have with me the famous JABBA THE HUTT!! I'm sure you all know him very well, and here he is, IN PERSON, to talk to you all. Come on out, Jabba.  
  
Jabba: OOOGA BBOOGIE! Nice to meet you all!  
  
Darthy: Welcome to the show, Jabba. Please have a seat.  
  
Jabba: Yes, of course. Lesser mortals bow before the might of the great Jabba!  
  
Darthy: Psst! Hey, do what he says or we'll all get squashed! I know that from personal experience! Bow, will you? Bow!  
  
Jabba: I see that your people have proper manners, Darth Vader, unlike some.  
  
Darthy: Yes, very polite, they are. I'd like to ask you some questions, if you don't mind.  
  
Jabba: Not at all, my friend. Not at all. Remind me, though, how much am I getting paid for this entertainment of lesser mortals?  
  
Darthy: Much more than we can afford. But that's not that point. So can you tell us how you came to rule all the Hutts of the universe. Such a powerful position must be very difficult to acquire. How did you do it?  
  
Jabba: I am a Slug above all others! Even my father bows to me!  
  
Darthy: Yes, yes, that's very nice, but can you answer my question, please?  
  
Jabba: Who is this who dares give me an order? I will crush him into pulp and eat him with my breakfast! Fee Fi Fo Fum, I see Vader in my tum!  
  
Darthy. Ha, ha, ha. Very funny. But how did even such a superior slug- creature as you ever get to such a high position, if you don't mind obliging us humble beings by answering my question?  
  
Jabba: Ah, yes, the story of my success that carried my to god-dom! I was a young, carefree, innocent little worm-  
  
Darthy: Innocent? Hah!  
  
Jabba: - when I came across an announcement in the newspaper that the current king, who happened to be my father, though I barely knew that blob of fat, was growing ill, and his soldiers were becoming rebellious. I decided it was time to act. So I gathered up as many soldiers as I could and got them to follow me. We stormed the palace and I killed my sick father with my own bare hands and then sat on him. He made a pleasant squishy sound when I squeezed the pulp out of him.  
  
You got a problem with that?  
  
Darthy: No, not at all, really. It's really a very charming way to take over a country. Now that we know what wonderful battle tactics you have, I would like to ask you another question. Why were you so harsh on my own son Luke and his friends?  
  
Jabba: That idiot was your son? Talk about genetic resemblance! I thought there was something similar in the dull glazed look and terrorized facial expression. He was in the way of my plans. I had nothing to do but kill him. But somehow his little bald head slipped through my fingers...  
  
Darthy: He's not bald He's got quite a lot of hair, for your slimy information!  
  
Jabba: Hah! Slimy! It's been quite some time since I heard that one! You make me laugh, human! Perhaps I will keep you around for entertainment.  
  
Darthy: You will do no such thing!  
  
Jabba: Would you rather die?  
  
Darthy: Well....um... you didn't mention that bit...whatever you say...I've got a billion more jokes here, your slimyness.  
  
Jabba: Sliminess! How dare you call me slimy?! I shall have you immediately eliminated!  
  
Darthy: But you just said...oh, never mind. I'll just ask you the next question, okay?  
  
What is it like to be as rich as you are?  
  
Jabba: It is wonderful! I can do anything I please. Anyone who is not up to my standards is thrown to the monster! No one else can afford monsters but the great Jabba! I  
  
have slaves to do everything, hundreds of chefs to cook little animals for me to enjoy, although some I do rather prefer raw. Especially the little Gobeslavejas. They just seem to squeal with absolute delight as I began to chew them into little tiny pieces. Some people find this disgusting, but I'm sure you think it is perfectly normal, evil being that you are, huh Darth Vader?  
  
Darthy: Uh. Yeah. Right. Um... I think its time you were leaving now, Jabba. I mean, um, your kingdom awaits and all that.  
  
Jabba: Ah, yes, excellent. Goodbye then. I'll come by and visit, no?  
  
Darthy: OH, no you really don't have to, I mean you mustn't, I mean, I'm really not allowed to talk to slugs, mama always said, had to get special permission for this...Is he gone yet? Oh good.  
  
So folks, of course you all know that this is a non-profit, viewer supported television show, and we could really use your help. With your donation of five to ten dollars you will receive an anti-Hutt bumper sticker to put on your spaceship. With your donation of five hundred dollars you will receive Jabba's head on a stick. Supplies are limited. No, how about this. Donate just 20 dollars and I'll give you Jabba's head, is that a deal or what? Just help me get rid of it!  
  
Jabba: I heard that, Vader.  
  
Darthy: "gulp!" Um, folks, ladies and gentlemen, I'll just be leaving now. I thought you said he was gone! Oh, you are cruel! HHEELLLP!  
  
Have mercy on me Jabba! NOOOOOOO......  
  
  
  
A Long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
  
  
STAR WARS  
  
Hello, and welcome to our something-th episode of the STAR WARS TALK SHOW! We are so proud to have made it to this happy moment. Today we have with us ANAKIN SKYWALKER! This is actually a rather akward arrangement, me having to interview myself, but I'm sure it will work out. The force will guide us. Obi-Wan has taught us well. So, anyway, nice to meet you, Anakin.  
  
Anakin: Yeah. Hi. I hope I  
  
don't grow up to be like you. You're sure an ugly guy.  
  
Darthy: You say you don't want to grow up to be like me? I'm afraid I might have some bad news for you, kiddo...  
  
Anakin: Don't call me kiddo! I'm nine years old! I've even built my own spaceship!  
  
Darthy: Well, isn't that a strange coincidence. I did that exact same thing when I was nine years old.  
  
Anakin: You were never nine years old! You're too stupid. My Mommy says that I shouldn't talk to anybody named Darth Vader because they have an Evil Destiny, just like me. What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Darthy: Stop it. You're going to make me cry! BooOOOHOOOOOOOO!  
  
Anakin: Geesh, mister, are you feeling okay?  
  
Darthy: Oh, you poor, miserable FOOL!!  
  
You simply have now idea what's going to happen to you, do you? BOOOHOOOO! And poor Obi-Wan! Just look what you do to him!  
  
Anakin: I don't know what you're talking about mister. Want a tissue?  
  
Darthy: Yes, please. Anyway, so, Anakin, I have to interview you now. Um...what have you heard about Jedi Knights?  
  
Anakin: Oh, they are the greatest people in the galaxy!  
  
Darthy: Greater even than the minions of the dark, the Siths?  
  
Anakin: Oh, I would never, ever, ever become a Sith! They're awful! I became one I'd kill myself!  
  
Darthy: OH, you poor, innocent, child! Did you know that I am a Sith lord?  
  
Anakin: You? A Sith Lord? No Way! TOO cool! Wanna fight? I bet I could beat you.  
  
Darthy: I would say yes, but if I were to quite accidently kill you there might be interesting side effects. Although it would mean that Luke would never be born...enticing thought...but no.  
  
Anakin: You're weird mister. You look like this action figure thing I have. Its a guy named Darth Vader. Do you know him? He's really stupid. I dropped him down the garbage disposal by accident, and now he's mostly all chopped up.  
  
Darthy: OOooooh........  
  
Why you evil little creature! I can't believe I was like that when I was a kid!  
  
Anakin: What do you mean by that?  
  
Darthy: Luke, I am your father!  
  
Anakin: Huh?  
  
Darthy: Oops, sorry wrong line, haha.  
  
Anakin: Oh. You had a son? Who would marry an idiot like you?  
  
Darthy: I resent that.  
  
Anakin: You're supposed to. It's called an insult. Perhaps you've never heard of that before.  
  
Darthy: You know, your presence here is straining my capacity for remaining calm in the face of extreme rudeness. Maybe you had better leave now.  
  
Anakin: Gladly, mister. My Presence here is straining my capacity for remaining calm in the face of extreme stupidity.  
  
Darthy: Just shut up, will you?  
  
Anakin: Aww? You said a bad word! I'm gonna tell my mommy! Or better yet, I'm going to tell your producers!  
  
Darthy: Go! Go! Go!  
  
Anakin: Geesh. fine. Goodbye and good riddance.  
  
Darthy: Get a Therapist, you nerd face. Geesh, I'm insulting myself. How great is  
  
that?  
  
Well, anyway, now that that little problem is gone, I can say that we are a non-profit, viewer supported television show, and we need your financial support! For 500 hundred dollars you can have Anakin's head on a stick...then again, maybe that isn't the best idea, might have interesting effects on myself...So maybe just Anakin's foot on a stick. I can always get a replacement. And now a word from our sponsors...  
  
Voice: Hello, my friends! Do you haveDirty teeth? If you have dirty teeth or Cannibal's breath, and have a government certificate of needing mental help and being insane, I have the perfect thing for you! Super new SUPER TOOTHPASTE, fifty percent complete with arsenic and other deadly poisons! 


End file.
